Going On Your First Lesbian Date
Aiight so BOOM… You met her. She was beautiful and had your heart all a-flutter. You introduced yourself, complimented her, found a common interest, and invited her out to explore your common interest together.
Now, you look good, you smell good, and you’re nervous in a good way. It’s happening. You’re on your first lesbian date. So now what?
First things first
First things first, choose a place to go. In general, anywhere that is a hetero haven is probably not the vibe for a first lesbian date. A queer or lesbian bar is more ideal since the last thing lesbians want to be around is a bunch of cishet men. If this person is a new addition to your life, it may relieve some of the pressure to have an event that you can share. Concerts, festivals, and carnivals are all great ideas for getting to know one another in a way that doesn’t force you to focus on each other. If you believe a lesbian date should be more low-key, allowing more intimate conversation, think about a bookstore and coffee date or hiking. The point is to go somewhere that has built-in social rules like a restaurant or a bowling alley. You know why you’re there, it’s easy to figure out what to wear, and if the conversation stalls, you can easily refer to whatever is going on around you. Awkward pause? Just ask how their meal is or offer to let them taste yours. Weird silence? Cheer them on at whatever game you’re playing… or talk smack. The location is important because it gives insight into who you are, but also because it allows you both to interact with your environment which, in turn, relieves some of the intensity of having to interact with each other.
Enjoy the silence
Now that you are on the date, what do you talk about? It can be intimidating to keep the conversation going, but here’s a secret. You don’t have to. Pauses in conversation are completely natural and they happen whenever you’re talking to your bestie, your boss, or your sib, and lesbian dates aren’t any different. Don’t feel compelled to fill silence. It actually could be a good thing if you are able to sit in comfortable silence with a new potential boo. If you’re a smooth talker, you could even bring that up as a way to restart a conversation before too many minutes have passed.
“You know, this curry is so good. I was just chomping away and thinking how easy it is to sit in silence with you and be at peace. Good curry and very good company. I feel so comfortable in your energy.”
In between silences, try to find other common interests. Avoid yes or no questions, but rather “what you rather have/do” hypothetical questions. For example, ask them if they would rather have tacos or pizza if they could only choose one for the rest of their life, and why? You could also go through a series of “or” questions. This could be banal, but here is where personality could really come through and show you who they are.
Day or Night; Dogs or Cats; Coffee or Tea
For dessert: Fruit and cheese, chocolate anything, or rich, decadent and creamy?
Share, but don’t overshare
While it’s perfectly fine to ask about their past, upbringing, and family life, it’s best not to dig too deeply. Everyone has traumas and you don’t want the conversation to get too dark. Besides noting how long they’ve been single, leave the conversation about exes in the past until date three or four. Additionally, they may not want to discuss their family dynamic so soon. Families are complicated and just because yours is like a 90s sitcom doesn’t mean everyone has that kind of relationship with their people.
The idea here is that a lesbian date shouldn’t feel like an interview. You ask silly questions, you interact with your environment, and you steer the conversation toward lighter topics. Just like an interview, your phone shouldn’t be a part of the equation. Put it on silent and tuck it away. If you can’t spend an hour or two away from your phone, you need to have a good reason. It’s understandable if you are waiting for a work call, or if you have kids that need access to you. It’s perfectly fine to disclose that information at the beginning of the date. That might sound like, “Hey! I have my phone on me because my boss just told me as I was walking out the door that he would need me to confirm a couple of things on some documents I sent him. Other than that, I’m all yours. How was your day today?”
Mind your intake
Another thing you want to avoid is drinking too much. It’s understandable to want to have something to take the edge off, but on a lesbian date, it’s easy enough to get too comfortable and too casual. Drinking can make this so much worse. Limit your drinks to 2-3 for the evening and/or drink a full glass of water in between drinks. You don’t want to drink too much and start telling all of your business, essentially, oversharing. You also don’t want to put your new love interest in the position of having to take care of you. And, unfortunately, alcohol makes some people aggressive and you do not want to be that person EVER.
After eating, chatting, and whatever activity you have planned, it’s time to grab the bill. On a lesbian date, it can be confusing what the rules might be. Some people think the “masc one” should grab the check, but what if there isn’t a “masc one”? Two things to remember on any date should solve this issue.
- The person that initiated the date should pay, especially if they picked the place and made the plans.
- The other person should always at least offer to help, whether dutch or just the tip.
Whichever way it goes, you can always introduce the idea of lesbian date #2 by making a suggestion about who will pay the next time.
Concluding the night
But now what? She’s been sitting across from you for 2 hours, conversations and vibes flowing, and you can’t stop staring at her lips. You want to kiss her, or maybe more, but lesbian dates don’t automatically end with pancakes and coffee. How do you bring that up? It may sound way too simple, but just ask. You obviously can’t kiss her without consent. And once she gives you the okay, go for it. If that kiss is everything you imagined it would be, then follow up with an invitation back to your place. You can ask if they want to come for coffee, wine, or to continue the conversation, but unless you ask specifically if they want to have sex, don’t make things complicated by assuming. Again, ask, but it doesn’t have to be dry and straight forward. If you’ve had a sexy kiss, there’s nothing wrong with asking if they’d like to continue things at your place. If, while planning the date beforehand, you think you might want to have some company, you might want to prepare for your little after party. Clean up! It doesn’t have to be magazine-ready, but dirty clothes and dishes should be out of site. Have a few beers or a bottle of wine ready to go, and prepare a playlist.
Going on a lesbian date doesn’t have to be intense. It’s supposed to be fun and engaging. After all, you’re hanging out with someone you like who also likes you. Where you go from there is up to you and your date. A little planning, a lot of confidence, and a great outfit should make for an amazing date with an awesome chick!